Like many previous entries, I have to start this one with my usual truth — I’ve been putting off writing again because I keep finding myself tired these days. Much of my days are spent either working or resting from work (aka sleeping) and with the quarantine still going on, there’s not much to talk about really.
A local Telegram channel providing COVID updates announced earlier today that with 77 days of lockdown, our country now holds the world record of implementing physical distancing the longest.
I’m not sure how to feel about it. Or maybe I know but it’s a hodgepodge of things.
Apart from my firm disapproval of the steps our government has taken during this crisis, everything else feels contradictory. Gratefulness and dread for work. Love and obligation to family. Hope and doubt for a potential love interest. Self-care and mediocrity. There’s also the longing for bits and pieces of the old normal (dancing, friends, Papa here at home) making me feel like I’m in a tug of war between the old and the new.
Then again, that’s how I’ve always been. I’m steadily coming to terms with that paradox as part of being human. The spectrum of feelings. The unpredictability of each day.
I’d like to believe that I’m getting better at taking care of myself and the ones I love. Imperfect still but making good progress. This time last year was filled with much much more uncertainty and angst. I was stuck in a bureaucratic system, in the middle of people who had wide differences, and I kept going back and forth options that I’m now realizing to be out of bounds of my reality (loads of time and tears wasted).
I don’t want to fight my reality anymore. At least not head-on. And definitely not during this economic recession.
If there’s any silver lining this whole pandemic has brought into my personal life, it’s time. A little more time to figure things out and prepare for big commitments. See a little more of the world before I settle in one place.
Mid-20s feel weird. On one hand, you’re young (despite your anxiety telling you otherwise). On another, you constantly feel like you’re not doing enough or running out of time. Even so, I’m glad how each year keeps surprising me with fresh learning experiences. I’m getting past slumps, teaching myself better coping mechanisms, moving more strategically, staying open to possibilities, and trusting God’s plan more.
It may be taking a while but I’ll find my balance soon. ☾
