I’m giving myself an hour every Sunday to write and post about anything I want.
My goal is to simply sit down and get back to writing again. I used to keep a blog but I’ve stopped publishing anything online because it took so much time to write and edit something for x number of times before it’s ready for viewing by my…3–5 readers? (rough estimate, could be just me) Before I publish something in the past, I used to go over it several times to ensure that there’s barely any error, the lines rhymed, and it’s all rainbows and unicorns.
I’m not aiming for that now. This is just a twenty-something girl in Manila writing about what (some) twenty-somethings think and feel and more often than not, write about for the rest of the world to see.
It follows that this may not be a perfect narrative or retelling, if such a thing exists. I just want to write. To get lost in the doing, to calm the waves rising from within.
Today, I’m going to talk about the people we love and lose along the way. And the people we transform into after every encounter.
What triggered this is the knowledge of someone I used to be in love with (someone from late 2015 whom I lost touch with since then — long story), having someone new. I don’t feel angry, vengeful, or depressed whenever I learn this. Contrary to that, I feel relieved. I don’t celebrate it in a joyful, holiday-kind-of-way but it’s a genuine feeling of relief.
I’m relieved seeing the ones I loved happy. Because of all people, I’m certain they deserve it.
Since it’s related to the topic, just last year, I had dinner with a guy I was painfully in love with in high school…along with his fiancée. It’s a long story and even now, I don’t know how I ended up in that situation. I thought these things happen only in the movies. But it happened and maybe I needed that too. It wasn’t anything dramatic. He looked the same, smiling the same way he did years back. He was still goofy and a little bit shy. Still has tricks up on his sleeve. I liked his presence, the familiar comfort it brought. But somehow, it’s different this time too. My heart could tell the difference. A part of me, my fourteen year old self, will always love this person. I know that for sure. But the person I am now and this person across me, resembling the person I fell in love with so much, we’re separated by too much time and space to even know each other anymore. All I could do, for old times’ sake, is smile and wish them well. And then I left.
That happened several times over the years, involving different people (but no, not always during unexpected dinners — thank God). Sometimes I just come across the news on social media.
It’s never easy to handle. I still get a bit sad every time. Especially at the start where I can’t help but wonder what I could’ve done better to make them stay or as happy as they are now. All those poisonous, futile thoughts…I still go through them.
I’m glad I choose better every time though. I’m glad for the courage to release people who weren’t meant for me in the long run. At the end of the day, I’m glad that my life was blessed with these people who inspired me and pushed me to be a better person. I’m glad for the strength they offered me when I couldn’t hold the weight all by myself. I’m glad for their good company and the memories that will always be mine to keep.
The late night phone calls. The private jokes. The shared music. The way someone looks at you in a different light. Or the way their heart beats nervously as they sit beside you. The way they take care of you, hold you, keep you close. Hand holding yours. A sense of home in a person. All the little details that make up the beautiful person that they are inside and out, their unique stories, and all our unrealized plans for the future. I’m glad to have been a part of it all.
At the end of the day, I’m glad for the love I was allowed to give and receive.
If I had to go through this cycle a couple more times before I find or get found by someone who will stick with me through and through, I pray that I’ll continue to be graceful in letting someone go and be courageous enough to begin again.
As Nayyirah Waheed said: “There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”
I’ll be alright.
We’ll be alright. ♡