Part A
My bank account may be screaming for dear life and the future is as hazy as it can get but one thing’s for sure, I made good friends.
Old ones, new ones. At every stage of my journey. From strangers that turned into friends, and friends that turned into family. I’m thankful for the people I came across with who constantly teach me to be softer, more lighthearted, and generous. I like who I am when I’m with them.
As the saying goes, friends are the family we choose. It’s important to have that support system especially when the family we were born into fails to show up for us in a healthy way.
Part B
As we grow older, we see more clearly why we are the way we are. A huge part of which is the environment we grew up in and continue to be exposed to.
My parents are good and hardworking individuals. But like you and me, they’re not without issues. I’ve come to realize how most of my anxiety, anger, and passive-aggressiveness are behaviors I witnessed growing up. In hindsight, our house and neighborhood was (and in a lot of ways, still is) a highly stressful environment. I’ve grown up with people screaming and hurting each other, empty apologies and repeated toxic habits, and carrying the heavy weight of our family’s future on my shoulders. Giving your family a better life is a noble pursuit but it’s not a problem a seven-year-old should have to carry growing up.
I love my parents but it’s becoming increasingly hard to live with them. One of our practical disagreements is how they tend to keep so many things past the point of usefulness. Everything’s a memoir. And although I’m sentimental myself, there is a fine line separating keepsakes from things whose purpose have faded away — a closet made of composite wood that’s barely holding itself together, a broken sofa with a protruding metal rod at the bottom (again, see: broken), old clothes that no one uses anymore, and papers that sat forgotten in bags from more than a decade ago.
My siblings and I are tired of living in a house that looks like a bodega. As thankful as I am for all the ways this house has protected us all these years, it’s hard for me to imagine living here for half a decade more for school. It’s leaky, cluttered, and restrictive. More importantly, it’s tiring to be with people who tirelessly resist change even if it’s for the better.
I want a better life, a livable space, and a kind and healthy home.
Part C
My mother admitted recently that they weren’t able to plan well how to raise a family. She said we should do so when our time comes. Still, I know my parents did their best. I admire them for all the things they did and sacrificed for us.
I guess I’m just having a hard time reconciling who I am now and how they are. Nonetheless, I am choosing to pause, step back, slow down, and react lovingly. I have my own toxic habits to work on too (i.e. avoidance). Hopefully, we can find a middle ground and get past our differences so that we won’t grow resentful of each other.
Reflecting on this personal experience as part of a bigger picture, it’s making me see how important it is to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared (with your partner) before starting a family. It’s the responsible thing to do. You’re after all bringing new life to Earth which in turn can impact other lives.
Holding on through the hard times and hoping for better days at home,
telle rey
